“It must be hard for you”. 

Ice breaking words that immediately strike the chord of the other person to respond with eagerness. My mom is an ace at opening up a conversation with strangers. She personifies with the other person and opens the conversation with a caring remark. It is amazing how this works in an instant.

With a housekeeping staff in a hotel or a nurse in a hospital, she never fails to build an excellent rapport with people around. In a matter of few hours she gets popular as a caring and compassionate lady.

I have followed this easy but effective technique to break ice with people who seem hard to talk. I have also used it to motivate a poor performer in my team.
In the early years of my career, my boss had remarked once on our return from a stressed out late night sales meeting, “I know you are thinking that those slum dwellers are asleep on the sidewalk peacefully instead of taking so much work pressure like us” This was true to every word and I felt comfortable and understood with my tough and high demanding boss.

My mom also looks for ways to appreciate, instead of advise and judgements. This makes an instant connection. Having grown in deprivation due to poor economic conditions in her younger years and not having been able to learn and seek new things her curiosity to know and understand has always been active to this day. Her innocent queries and appreciation opens up doors to seek and understand.

I have been following these simple techniques for many years in my career and have succeeded each time.

Just to share few instances – Few days ago when my mom was hospitalized, I had to buy coffee from a cartwheel coffee/tea seller. An old man was there behind the pushcart pouring coffee from the small pot into the glass from as far as he can raise his hand. And pours it back in to the pot and repeats this till the coffee gets aromatic and foams. His coffee and tea is quite known in the neighbor hood. Walking across the road I went up the pushcart and said, give me 3 coffees. He got to work and as he was heating up the coffee preparation I said, my mom and wife are particular that I pick up coffee only from you. This brought a big smile on his face and he enquired about me. He made the best coffee and poured a bit more into the flask. And every time I visited him for coffee he would welcome me with a cheerful smile and give the best coffee. This act did not cost me anything but created a warm and pleasant feeling around me. The normal behavior would be just to order for coffee and take it to my mom. This takes no effort at all and forms a routine for mere followers.

Similarly at the saloon I complemented the barber for his work and he gave a nice and relaxing neck massage. We have the choice to make our world most wonderful just by few caring words. Every one looks for appreciation and encouragement. Just a thank you has no impact, but to supplement it with appreciative remark leaves pleasantness in hearts. Waiting in a tired long queue at the airport check in counter leaves no room for praise and appreciation. But I understood the workload for the staff at the counter and tried explaining restless passengers. Flight was cancelled and rescheduled due to poor weather and connections. When it was my turn to check in after an arduous wait for 3 hours, the staff appreciated my attitude and upgraded me to first class. Guess I was just lucky that day.

I grew up amidst great difficulty at home for making both ends meet. I have never seen my mom taking rest in spite of all difficulties. She would make us kids feel good and important. And was always there to receive my tired dad after his long working hours into the night. Lying on the ICU bed, post a major surgery; my mom uttered helplessly, “Its paining bad, do something”.

Two duty doctors humbly informed me that they cant give excessive painkillers because of prime old age and gradually the numbness was wearing away.
Listening to her moaning in pain and sedation, her eyes were imploring me. Lady who brought me into this world and shaped my beliefs was here losing helplessly in a frail old body frame writhing in pain clenching my hand and I could not help. My throat choked. I heard her whisper faintly,” this is real life that banishes all the glories, ego, pride etc. in the moments of excruciating ageing body”. Uncomfortable truth starred into my eyes.

I was thinking, When people cross over, whether they were good or bad, we feel a moment of sadness. That’s our true nature. Everything else is added on. We came with our true nature, live without it and one day perish in it. In this train of life, some travel unreserved adjusting, some travel second-class managing and some travel first class looking out of the window. All have to get down in some station never to board again.

Just understand that however you are travelling, you are still in the train. Not all are blessed to complete their journey. Life is a beautiful lie and death is an uncomfortable truth. Make this lie as challenging and fulfilling as possible to leave behind a meaningful truth.

We don’t have the power to change the things that are not meant to change. However we have the power to make this journey comfortable only by understanding and appreciating people for whatever they are and trying to do to make them happy. It was time for me to look at the bills in the hospital. The long list of medicines and cluster of several bills made me wonder, what I can appreciate? When I saw my mom smiling and cheerful again next morning, I could not control appreciating every one and spreading the feeling of joy. Feel, care and appreciate to be a compassionate leader who will make everyone enjoy his or her journey and attain a fulfilling success.