She threw her empty water bottle and dropped her weight on the couch heaving a sigh. It was sports day and quite tiring at school. My older girl kid was waiting to pick on the younger one, ‘ Look how careless you are. Can you not keep the bottle in the kitchen’? Little one blurted, “Common, as though you were so responsible at my age”? Looking at this sweet little quarrel, I felt relaxed and forgot my stress at office.
My salary has been delayed due to poor business and things were getting difficult at home. But I did not want to think deeper and be worried. I shifted my thoughts to my daughters. So innocent in their thinking, living in their own world, no big worries and keep trying to do many things at home like, baking, singing, cooking, helping their mom, showing me their little creativity etc. Mostly they also get engrossed on reading or watching TV not to include the small arguments. All this signified their endless freedom.
A message popped up in my smart phone. Uninterested I picked up the phone to peek. It was another whatsApp forward. It was about the greatness of a lady. My attention fell back on my kids. Now they are playing so happy and living in their own world, but one day they will have to move and live in another home. This shook me with a sudden spurt of emotion. All thoughts got interrupted. Sadness filled my heart.
As parents we love all our children and they grow with freedom in heart and mind. Petty quarrels break out over space in the wardrobe or to have the window seat in the bus or train. Older kid obviously has to give in to the little one. In seconds we become one good beautiful family.
My thoughts dragged me to imagine the life of my children in another home after several years. They can never live like living in our home. Everything will change. Rest of their lives they have to adapt to a new home and adjust all their needs. They cannot complain or fight like they do in our home. They cannot express freely like a male member can do. They have to care for all at their home as their family and live a life of sacrifice. They cannot enjoy the little cribbing and fussing. I could not sleep that night. I started to be worried and wished for some other way.
Now they have their space and happiness. But after few years all these will mean nothing to them anymore. They don’t know this and can never understand too. If they understand then they will lose their happiness now. Next day was dull for me. I was not able to focus particularly on anything in my office. I could not help myself and stop thinking about my kids. Evening before going to bed, my wife inquired what was wrong. I told her about my worries. The reply she gave swept my feet away. She softly said, “dear, I was also a darling kid to my dad” I could not utter a word in response. I became speechless.
My wife was tired after a long day at office and finishing the chores at home before going to sleep. Starring at her sleep , emotions filled my heart. I felt guilty and wanted to ask for sorry. I remembered the time of our marriage. The time our marriage was solemnized and the wedding knot tied, her mom, dad and brothers started to weep profusely.
15 years had passed since then and now I realized the strong emotions behind those tears. I froze thinking those times. To this day her folks love and care for her. In the first few years I had always tried to win arguments and always had the last say in everything. I would be immersed in my office and sometimes carry office to my home. My wife would be there to help and understand, but I would take it like that’s how it should be.
Sometimes she would not be able to convince me or defend her side and feel helpless. Now I understood that her folks would have always understood her and given her the comfort and joy. Every girl has this experience. Over time they get adjusted to their husband’s way of thinking and crush all their feelings of freedom. They start to live the life of the second home and this become the real home for the rest of their lives which is longer and different than their sweet rooms, wardrobes, little quarrels etc. And gradually they forget their real home and become one with their husband’s home.
Every woman will defend her husband’s home as the real home. But deep within she would be missing her parental home and try hard to accept the reality and move on. In her loneliness she will be thinking and missing the little joys and freedom that molded her character since being born. Men never outgrow their childhood memories as they stay in their birth homes or live with parents. But a girl hardly ever gets to stay long in her birth home or with her parents after marriage. Even if she tried to stay for long her attitudes would have changed a lot and when she looks at her original home, the sofa, kitchen, book shelf, remember the sibling fights emotions grip and bring a tear in her eyes.
I asked my mom about her life. She said that she never had her parental home freedom and had to change her life so much after marriage. She also added that she does not regret, as that’s how it is in life. I started to ask, is that how it should be? Men should understand that every woman was once a child deeply loved by her dad and mom. These days we get so many forwards about a lady living a life of sacrifice, working at home tirelessly and all should respect her etc. But why should we look at her as an object of washing and cleaning only or home making? Is it not an equal responsibility of wife and husband?
Love for family drives the girl to work hard at home and many times she is also busy with professional jobs. Do men love their family lesser? A cousin of mine wakes up along with his wife and actively participates in all the home activities and together they leave home for work in the morning and in the evening when they return do the same. If the wife is not working outside, then husband needs to understand that his work has closing time, but her’s is continuous and try to pitch in to help.
Every girl is an apple pie and sweetie darling to her parents and siblings. Give her respect, love, care and understanding in her new home in the same way that she had in her parental home. At times if she talks high about her home, allow her to do so. She has spent all her growing years there. Live in her childhood memories by listening to her stories. Resolve differences through open chat and understanding.
India is still a conservative society and most of the marriages that happen are arranged by parents for their kids. Matrimonial columns in newspapers and match making companies are large business sectors in India. The girl always moves into stay in her husband’s home soon after the marriage. Although over the years, the girl becomes an integral part in her husband’s home, lots of ego fights and petty quarrels can be avoided if the the girl is accepted with an open heart along with her past life in her new home.
Treat her the way she would be treated in her parental home. A friend once said, “A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he was born and raised in the arms of a queen”