A person who is not sick needs no medicine; similarly a person who is happy needs no meditation. Meditation is medicinal. Meditation is needed only if you have chosen not to be happy.

The above statement set me thinking. Was I not happy in life? Is that why I required meditation? I always thought I was happy. Everyone around me told I am a very positive person. Most of the time, I looked happy too. It was very contradictory to me. Then why meditation for a happy person like me? Something is definitely beyond me. Only when I went deeper into my meditation, I was able to see myself with more clarity. On the surface, I looked tickled pink. This is what everyone perceived me as. Deep inside, I had a lot of anguish, which was not expressed. I had frozen so many of my feelings. My mind was always filled with thoughts of my past and future. I was very adamant and was not willing to accept the fact that I am sad or even accept comment on my sadness.

When I started observing myself, I noticed that sad songs appealed to me more. Whenever I felt low, I always played sad songs and sang them. I hid all my sadness and tears even from my own self. I never discussed my hurt openly. I listened to everyone’s woes patiently. I did not understand that I was actually hurting myself from within. I was creating wounds and suppressing them from deep within. Probably, this was one of the reasons why my skin was not healing also. Doctors were doing their best by giving me the best treatment. Those medicines were only for the body. My mind and emotions were not being addressed. Somewhere I had numbed myself. I did not even want to acknowledge my emotions. I was not relaxed from within. I was always tense and anxious from within. There were too many pent-up emotions. I now realize that I had chosen internal misery and my ego was not willing to accept it.



A deep self-rejection was implanted in my inner being. I was not happy in any of my chosen jobs. The financial freedom, which I achieved, was short-lived when I got to know that there are better paymasters in the market. The lack of non-creative expression, the feeling of job insecurity and the unrest in the office atmosphere just added insult to injury. The search for an inner fulfillment was bogging me down from within on one hand. On the other hand, it was the feeling of discontentment that I somehow got caged in the clutches of a job. I saw that all my family members were full of joys of spring seeing me work. I had got used to the luxury of the pay packet every month. Would it be easy for me to let go of it? I started looking at ways to distract me from thinking otherwise.

That was how my affair with meditation started. This process helped me to come in terms with myself. As my inner being started getting some kind of nourishment, I started relaxing from within without my knowledge. I reached a point where I could even let go of my clinging to my job. I followed my heart. I gathered the courage to face everyone and said, “I will create my own path.” It is not that I did not face challenges in my chosen path. I faced the wrath of everyone around me in different forms. I was not wounding my inner self in this process. In fact, I got many opportunities to learn and release my inner blockages of both body and mind. The process of catharsis in meditations helped me to release my suppressed emotions. I started feeling lighter and white-washed from within. My parents could not understand how I could keep my chin up with my deteriorating finances.

I started experiencing moments of joy from within. I started loving my work. Many people laughed at what I was intending to do. My parents said, “Look at the state you are driving yourself to, no money, no power, and no prestige.” My mom simply said, “I don’t know what she does whenever anyone asks me, what does your daughter do?” My parents knew very well that I was really happy. They slowly accepted me. At the end of the day, they said, “Do what you want.” There was no pressure on me to please anyone. I was free of unwanted expectations. The day it sunk to my head that I was free of expectations, I felt like jumping and dancing around “Eureka, Eureka, I did it.”

I now realize the most important thing is that “I am not tensed from within. I have accepted myself irrespective of others having accepted me or not.” I am at ease with myself. I no longer struggle from within to portray “All is well 24 x 7”. I tell with all sincerity about my current status, be it my revenues, workflow or cash flow. I discovered the more clarity I had on my income, the income-generating ways started becoming clearer. I did a self-analysis report of myself where I was spending my productive time, with whom and for what reason. I am investing myself totally into it. I am on the path of self-discovery unearthing myself in avenues, which I never thought were possible earlier.

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